Military Considers Abducting Subway’s Jared

Are Blackhawk helicopters being fueled and troops being readied for “Operation Fat Pants”?  Are military intelligence officers searching Mapquest for directions to Jared Fogle’s Indianapolis mansion?  All I can disclose at this time is:  maybe.

flickrcomphotossoldiersmediacenter500I have reason to believe that the U.S. military is considering my modest proposal that they detain Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle and his size 60 spokespants until there’s justice for bronze star recipient serviceman Leon Batie Jr.

Yesterday I wrote (SUBWAY: Send Jared to Gitmo!) how Subway allegedly repossessed and resold (for profit) Leon Batie Jr.’s Subway franchises while he was on active duty in the tropical paradise of Afghanistan.

I suggested that Batie’s fellow GIs be allowed to use some of our taxpayer-financed resources to help, er, expedite a positive resolution to this conflict.

Some of my own words came back to me this morning, in the form of a parody press release being circulated on the Internet and through the U.S. military.  The originating message of the email chain read:

My niece in the Navy just forwarded this to me and she got it from another friend of hers on the ship. I thought you’d get a kick out of it if you have not seen it already. Thanks for exposing Subway’s anti-military actions. I hope this really helps everyone learn about what they did so they can fix what they did to Batie.

Attached was a .pdf file of a parody press release pieced together from my post, a Dallas Morning News article and some very funny original additions.  Here’s an excerpt (You can read the entire press release here:  SUBWAY: Send Jared to Gitmo! Parody Press Release)

SUBWAY® RESTAURANTS ANNOUNCES KIDNAPPING OF JARED

SUSPECTED RETAILIATION FOR UNLAWFUL SEIZURE OF SOLDIER’S STORES WHILE DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN

(Milford, CT) June 25, 2009 — The SUBWAY® restaurant chain announced that its longtime spokesperson, Jared S. Fogle, 31, was kidnapped early this morning when two U.S. Army Blackhawk helicopters descended on his mansion in Indianapolis, Indiana and eight U.S. Army Rangers raided his home, nabbing the famous skinny man.

Also captured in the raid were Fogle’s famous size 60 pants, which sources say he now uses as a night time “blanky” for emotional comfort.

The motive behind Fogle’s capture was revealed when the U.S. Army General David Patraeus held a press conference to announce that Fogle was transferred to a military brig in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. “Subway brought this action upon itself when it violated the rights of Lt. Col. Leon Batie, Jr., a former Subway franchisee who was deployed to Afghanistan when Subway unlawfully seized his two Subway stores,” said Patraeus. “We’re gonna keep him at Gitmo and make him eat Big Macs until certain demands are met and Subway makes it right.”

Continue reading here: SUBWAY: Send Jared to Gitmo! Parody Press Release

Seriously, show your support for U.S. servicemen by leaving a comment here: SUBWAY: Send Jared to Gitmo!

Shouldn’t we protect our soldiers at home while they’re protecting us overseas?  Tell Subway to show their true colors and do the right thing.

Image: Black Hawk Boarding  “A U.S. Army soldier waits to board a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter on Camp Liberty, Baghdad, Iraq, April 9, 2009. The Black Hawk helicopters transport both passengers and logistical equipment throughout the Iraqi theater.”

U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class Robert Whelan. License:  Creative commons attributed to Army.mil

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